He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
