Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
