I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
