If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
