my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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