I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
