I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
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Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
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Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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