I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
