he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
