I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
