my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My bed smells like the plague
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
