The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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