i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
