I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
