I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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