Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
