Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Randomize
