your thong is hanging out like whoa
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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