if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
