So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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