you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he fucked my hip out of place.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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