i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
