i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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