its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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