Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
