I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
