You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
