im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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