I think I won the penis lottery.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
