I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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