the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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