so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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