i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
