i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
