So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
