I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
