"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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