he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
my liver is dry heaving
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
