First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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