I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
