hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
