Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
