if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
