If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day