After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My bed smells like the plague
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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