i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work