I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth