why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
