The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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