I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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