Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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