I puked a lego.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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