I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
