my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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