I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
