Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
